Dear Football, I’m sorry to do this to you today but I’ve got to be honest, I’m just not that into you.

Sometimes, it’s best to press the final siren and move on with our lives. I know you’d be much better off without me, and we’re wasting our time with each other.

It was OK-ish for a while there though.

There was once a time while living in London that I went out with a guy purely because I liked his friends and the stuff they did. He was all-right, nothing special – nice guy, just not my kind of nice guy – he didn’t really stoke my fire if you know what I mean.

But he was my ‘in’ to some top ‘do’s’ and that suited me at the time.

You Footy have been a nice guy on a nice day at a few nice BBQ’s with nice people. So, thanks for that. We’ve had a great first half but I think you’d be better off with someone else.

Some things with you Football get lost in translation. I suspect that because your language isn’t my first language – we’ll always have this cross-cultural misunderstanding.

Truth be told I’m not a fan of your mood swings either when you’ve had a bad game Footy, and you do monopolise a lot of TV time with my friends. Sometimes Footy you can’t hold your grog, often there’s a bit of money changing hands,occasionally it’s hard to talk to you during or after your game when it takes a turn for the worst. More often than not people get a little ramped up around you and I feel like the only ballerina in the moshpit.

You also take up an awful lot of time in my dedicated newspaper reading space Footy – I’m pressed for time as it is – and all that print palaver is a bit of a doddle.

I’m a little worried though Footy that you’ll take this rejection as an up there Cazaly to your dreams of companionship.

And, yep, I’m worried that you’ll spread nasty rumours about me to your friends, and I’ll be shunned from future social occasions.


We’ve had some lovely moments together though Footy, and I take my beanie off to you for the following:-

  • Thanks for the passion you encourage in my friends who adore you – I love seeing their creativity and conviction, their tears and their heartache, their dedication and their loyalty. You Footy inspire others to express themselves, to pause and celebrate small victories. You bring out happy in a lot of people who really need it.
  • Thanks Footy for your contribution to the essence of Melbourne, and to the Aussie psyche as well. Like ice hockey to Canadians, you are a culture vulture for our fair country. If I ran into you Footy in a little French pub (and as a matter of fact I once did), then I’d pull up a barstool and chat a while to be reminded of my childhood; that little squeeze of nostalgic affection fluttering around my heart that we hung out together for while.
  • Thanks for being such a motivator for kids to have a runaround and a kick – nothing wrong with that. You bring families and friends together.  You’re a good sort there.
  • Good on you Footy for strutting your stuff on the field and adjusting and changing to the times and what is acceptable.  Bullying, racism, women in sport – there’s probably a few others in there too, I haven’t quite been paying attention  – I know it hasn’t been easy Footy, and sometimes change is difficult. But well done for taking it in your stride.
  • Thanks for giving me some quite time Footy. Today especially. The phone isn’t ringing, the emails aren’t beeping, the visitors aren’t dropping in. It’s a little like Christmas Day going on around you when you don’t celebrate it. I feel like I’ve been given an extra day in the year to do my own sweet nothing Footy. And you even have a public holiday thrown into the mix as well around these parts. Hard not to like that.

Reading this back Footy I have to ask myself – what’s wrong with this sport? You’re not that different from your rellies Melbourne Cup, Commonwealth Games, Olympics Games and Aust Open Tennis.

But we all have your preferences Footy, you’re just not mine. I’d love it if you still keep me on the Hey we’re getting the friends together for Grand Final invite list – but if I end up looking distractedly off into the distance – it’s not you, it’s me.


I wish I could say that I loved you like crazy Footy – you mean an awful lot to some great friends  of mine – but I’m never going to fly your flag with passion.

Have a great day Football, be good to your loved-ones, keep yourself nice, and thanks for the memories.

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